The Freaky Fangirl Frenzy: Part 5
Jeran was screaming.
Garin was screaming.
Rohane was screaming. You pretty much get the point? Good.
Jacques was screaming.
Armin was screaming.
Sloth was screaming.
Kass was screaming.
Kanrik was screaming.
A Veespa and a Mootix were screaming.
The Spyder who was about to eat them was screaming.
And the girl who stared at the men raised an eyebrow. "Will you tone it down?" she snapped. "What do you want to happen, the fanboys come storming over here again?"
The screaming stopped, although Kanrik was still screaming continuously, until Armin smote Kanrik's head. "Ow!" the Gelert whined, rubbing his head.
"Fanboys?!" Jeran scoffed. "Oh, like, you have fanboys."
White teeth curved into a grin and glittered in the darkness. "Actually, as a matter of fact, I do," she replied, and the Brown Aisha stepped out with two earrings clipped to her left ear, a circlet, amber hair and a red dress with silky wide sleeves.
Sloth suddenly whistled and shifted his eyes upward as he quickly hid a scrapbook and a pencil behind his back. Jacques raised an eyebrow suspiciously at the villain.
"So YOU'RE the owner of this house!" Rohane said, pointing at the Court Dancer.
"Correct," the Court Dancer replied, pretending to check her fingernails. "And I'm guessing it aws YOU GUYS that broke in the club."
"Wait, this is a club?" Jeran asked, looking around again.
"Correct again, Jeran," the Court Dancer said, nodding. She looked at Jeran with her eyes, emerald green pupils resting in yellow. "See, you T.O.F.F.E.E members - yes, I know your club," she said when Jeran raised a finger to ask why. "Let me continue... - you guys aren't the only one with a secret club for hottest males. See, the pretty ladies also have a secret club of their own, called D.O.O.M - Doomed Over Officious Men. In other words, we're victims to the fanboys."
"Darn it, they get the better name for a club while we're named after a chew candy!" Armin growled.
"Out of question, err...how do the fanboys act like?"
The Court Dancer turned to Jacques. "They pretty much act like the fangirls, talking chatspeak and running around asking you to sign something, but not as much as the fangirls. They usually stalk you, use their best charms, which by the way can be pretty pathetic, and, oh yes, did I mention they carry cameras?"
"They try and get every chance to see us in a skimpy outfit."
The men tried picturing this in their mind, with no trouble at all. The Aisha sighed and slapped each of their faces.
"Another question, oww..." Garin groaned, rubbing his cheek. "Why is it that the women slap people?"
"We are born to slap," the Court Dancer explained casually, doing a dusting-off-her-hands motion. "Men are born to punch, otherwise if they slap, they usually have more feminine hormones. In other words, they're gay."
"Oh," the Usul said simply. "One more question...will you go out with me?"
A smite on the head did him good. "We also like to use different manouevers besides slapping," the Court Dancer exclaimed, watching Garin wobble back and forth. "I usually use most of them on these really desperate fanboys, a Green Scorchio and a White Lupe. The White Lupe is the most desperate; do any of you know him?"
Jeran grimaced. "Yeah, his Faerie Lupe fangirl used me just to get back at him for hanging around with you. One of my top girlfriends, Kasha Moonfang, chased them around with a tambourine."
"I once got chased around by his Blue Uni sister!" Kass cried.
"But the Uni's hot!" Garin argued. "Egotistical, but hot. I wouldn't mind her being my seventh girlfriend."
"What happened to having a wife?" the Court Dancer sighed, flopping down on the couch. She looked down with disgust. "The D.O.O.M club usually also date their fanboys, seeing whether or not some are okay. Sadly, most of them treat and think of us like toys. Do you know how many times I was so close to being, err...'attacked of my virginity'? Plenty."
Garin stopped smirking and looked down with with eyes full of guilt. Some did the same. Jeran smote Kass' head when he was about to bring up the topic about the old Mutant Usul lady almost "attacking" him. The Lupe went over and patted her shoulder. "Look, we're - I mean, we - no, I was going to say -" he stammered.
"I know, I know," the Court Dancer mumbled, gently pushing Jeran's hand off. "You thought that most of the women in this world are stupid everytime they're around someone hot and cool. Did you know women understand men more than men understand us?"
"What?! HA!" Jeran scoffed. "Nuh - uh, CD! (We'll refer to the Court Dancer as CD for now.) We men know more about women than ever!"
"Okay then," CD replied tauntingly, turning around with an evil glint in her eyes. "What are women talking about when they giggle near a man?"
"Uh..." Jeran stammered, looking confused. He gave a fake grin. "His fly is open?"
"No, but yours is!"
"Dang caption contest artists!" Jeran hissed under his breath, turning his back on CD and walking in the washroom.
"Okay then, wise guys," CD smirked, turning to Sloth and Garin. "When woman go panicky and look at their seats, then tie a sweater or jacket of something around their waist quickly and talk to some other girls frantically and/or rush to the washroom, what does that mean?"
Sloth gave some thought into this, then blurted out, "They sat on gum?"
CD rolled her eyes. "Possible answer, but no."
"They're constipated?" Garin replied.
Another smite on the head did him good.
"Obviously you men have no knowledge of us women," CD mumbled, dusting off her hands. She waved her left one. "So, are you staying or going?"
"We're going," Jeran replied, walking out of the washroom. "We need a new hideout to hide from the fangirls. Erm, can you help us?"
CD pretended to think about this hard, then prompty replied with a smug smile of pure evil. "Nope!"
"NOOOOOOO!!! Women are so cruel!" Kanrik whined.
"Is he always this idiotic?" CD whispered to Rohane.
The Blumaroo rolled his eyes. "He tried raising his IQ by standing on a chair, like Odie from Garfield did," he explained.
"Figures," CD yawned, and snapped her fingers. In a red explosion of dust she disappeared.
"Oooh, pretty!" Kanrik squealed, quickly changing his expression.
"Go join the D.O.O.M club, you wussy girl," Armin muttered to the Gelert, who stared at the pretty smoke, which was starting to clear.
"Maybe you should join, Armin," Kass smirked. "Who knows? You might be promoted from 'Crazy Cuteness' to 'Cute Curls'. All you need is a blond wig!"
"What's the difference?!"
"Uh...you remove 'crazy', add 'curls', remove the 'ness' -"
"Shut up," the Bori snapped.
"We're leaving NOW," Jeran gritted, grabbing both Kass and Armin and dragging them out the door, followed by the rest of the T.O.F.F.E.E. members.
There was a long, long silence, broken by the girly, high-pitched screams.
"And we're also gonna run."
* * * * * * * *
"This is Alpha Blue to Al-Bhed Thief. What's your status?"
"...What status? I'm right here next to you!"
Jeran fought to hold back dark words as he watched Kanrik having a staring contest with a Mootix. "Kanrik, step away from the Mootix," the Lupe knight ordered.
"Hey, hey, don't disturb me!" Kanrik retorted, pushing Jeran away. "I think I'm gonna win!"
"You blinked twenty-two times. You already lost!"
Kanrik stared strangely at Jeran. "Really? Dude, you need a hobby," the Gelert said, and walked away.
Jeran muttered something under his breath as he sidled along the walls, looking around for any fangirls. He spotted a hint of purple and drew his twenty-first sword, coming forward with a yell...
"Hey! Watch the feathers, Jeran!"
Jeran sheathed his sword. "Kass?" he gasped. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be teamed up with Garin!"
"Yeah, but he found Gilly the Usul and now they're flirting like crazy. Geez, from one girl to another."
"Poor Isca," Jeran agreed, shaking his head with pity. "Wait, where's your sword? I thought evil dudes weren't supposed to lose their weapons!"
"I lost it to my Fangirl Association, apparently a girl with black hair in braids and some 1337 ninja skills. Don't worry, I have another weapon." He gave a grin as he pulled out his backup weapon.
Jeran felt like smacking him on the head. "A twig?" he groused with disbelief.
"A twig," Kass said proudly.
Jeran continued to gawk at the sliver of wood, then repeated, "A twig?"
"Yeah, a twig, man. What's your point?"
"It's a TWIG!" Jeran screeched, throwing his arms up in the air. "What kind of damage can you possibly do with A SMALL, ITTY BITTY ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY TWIG?!"
"You want the fangirls to hear you?!" Kass hissed. "For your information, this twig is very, very powerful. You shouldn't judge a twig just because it looks absolutely pathetic and worthless."
Suddenly two figures dressed in black dropped down from a tree, brandishing a katana and a strange bamboo pipe.
"Ninjas!" Kass cried.
"Code red! Code red!" Jeran screamed into his walkie talkie.
"Wait, what was code red again?"
"We're being attacked by normal-compared-to-fangirls people, Kanrik, duh," Rohane's voice explained as he joined Jeran and Kass. Armin stumbled along, his lips tight and his eyes wide in horror. Jacques followed, squeezing a stress ball.
"What's up with you two?" Rohane asked, starting to type results in his VirtuComputer.
"Well, glad you asked," Armin drawled. "I just learned the meanings of slash, AU, yaoi, and shounen-ai with one of my fanboys."
"Fanboys?" Jeran scoffed, trying not to picture the whole scene.
"Yep. Frenched me hard too. I tried code pink on Garin's walkie-talkie, but all I could hear was smooching noises."
One day... Jeran seethed. He looked at Jacques. "And what about you?" he added.
"He faced all his shipper fangirls who claimed that he had a secret closet affair with Garin," Armin answered. He gave a smug smile. "Now the question is, would the photos I have really prove it?"
Everybody burst out laughing, rolling on the ground. "Hey, hey, we were DRUNK!" Jacques protested angrily, the stress ball nearly exploding.
As if on cue, Garin suddenly stumbled in, beat-up. "And what happened to YOU?!" Sloth asked as he came in with a reloaded gun.
"Some outraged fangirl of mine started berating me to go back to Isca and respect her," Garin mumbled. "I think she was one of those CD fangirls, just not the one with a shovel."
"Hello?" the female ninja snapped. "Two evil ninjas here ready to assassinate you right where you stand!"
"Oh yeah!" Kanrik said. "Well, hurry up! We need to avoid the fangirls."
"The temptation to strangle you grows stronger by the second, Kanrik," Rohane warned.
"Ninjas, eh?" Jacques growled, hand on his scimitar. "We'll beat you to a bloody pulp, let me warn you!"
"What is it with the pirates and the ninjas?" Armin asked.
"You don't want to know," Dr. Sloth whispered, shaking his head. "Part of it was that Garin knocked up some of the kunoichi and female ninjas."
"They were hot," Garin argued.
"That twig better come in handy now, Kass!" Jeran yelled. "Weapons up!"
Two pirate scimitars, a maroon and gold dagger, a small ice dagger, two swords, a Ray Gun and a twig were raised in the air. "Surrender now, evil ninjas!" Jeran ordered.
"Or what?" the male ninja retorted hotly. "The twig will poke us to death?"
"DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE ELITE ALMIGHTY TWIG!" Kass roared, waving the little piece of wood with a small leaf on it in the air.
Abruptly Sloth suddenly dashed forward, katanas flying out of both ninjas hands. He grabbed one and soon both ninjas were booted all the way to Talador, which by the way its plot will be started soon.
Everybody stared at him with awe. "Whoa!" Armin laughed.
"Since when did you learn ninjutsu, Sloth?" Jacques asked.
"I had a good teacher," Sloth replied, flipping one of the katanas before he threw it away. "She likes caffeine and hugs me all the time."
"Good," Jeran said. "Now, onwards! We need to find a new place for a new club!" He stepped forward...and gave a scream as he sank into the ground.
Kanrik screamed. "Quicksand!" Rohane gasped.
"Let's get outta here!" Kass screamed, but the sand kept them sinking crazily as they felt themselves falling underground...
*eerie echoing voice* To Beeeeee Continuuuuuuuuuueeeed...XD